Too close for comfort
My 12-year-old son is very close to me. As his mother, I love him but I do not like the way he clings to me sometimes. Some days when he wants my attention, he grabs my arm and pulls me towards him. As he is getting bigger, I feel tired trying to resist the force of his movements. When he is chastised for disobeying instructions for instance, instead of rectifying his behaviour, he asks me to hug him first. It feels like he’s trying to evade or delay punishment and sometimes I tell him to do what he has to do before coming for a hug. This makes him upset and he has told me before that he feels hurt when I refuse to hug him. I am tired from the physical and emotional demands even though I love him. What can I do to make him understand that I would like some personal space without making him feel rejected?
Sue-Lynn says
Dear Drained,
Firstly, explain to your son that as he gets older, there are some reasons why he might not be able to hug you whenever he wants. Assure him that you still love him very much and love can be expressed in many ways. Consider completing the “5 Love Languages of Children” quiz (https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language) to identify his love language. Aside from physical touch, there is quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts.
There are other types of physical affection he may enjoy as well (e.g. sitting next to you, pat on the back, high-fives, side hugs, hand-shake routines). You could also set aside specific “hug times” at home. Show him an alternative way to get your attention (instead of pulling you) like tapping your arm or asking for you. You may have to hold back your hugs until he gets into the habit of using these alternative ways of getting your attention.
Secondly, explain that while you understand that he wants to be comforted by hugs when he is scolded, the hugs can only happen after he understands what he did wrong and deals with the consequences. Explain that you are not rejecting him when you’re not hugging him but are teaching him to understand that there are acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. Thirdly, explain the concept of personal space (i.e. the amount of space one needs around them to feel comfortable) and help him to distinguish between actions that respect and do not respect one’s personal space.