You & Your Family

A couple recently sought counselling for their "communication breakdown" and to "learn better ways of communicating". They found themselves fighting habitually, so much so that conversations with each other had become impossible.

Life and the game of golf share some parallels. In a typical 18-hole golf game, the ninth hole represents the turning point. This halfway mark usually sees players circling back to their starting point.

Some lessons in life are ones we want to learn. Others come uninvited and may even be unwelcome. Hard lessons can be painful but if we learn something from them, perhaps even they do have a silver lining. 

Shame is a strong emotion that often shows up in my counselling sessions. Its presence can be debilitating; its absence can also be problematic. To explore healing from shame, I will share examples where shame was largely absent, was partially felt and where it can be overwhelming.

The 1967 James Bond movie starring Sean Connery had the improbable title, "You Only Live Twice". The contrast with the present-day concept of YOLO, or "You Only Live Once" suggests a generational change in how many individuals approach life and family today.

At a recent Christian camp for university students at my alma mater, I led two workshops on the topic of Honouring Parents.

The Maintenance of Parents Bill, a law passed in 1995, allows elderly parents unable to support themselves to apply to the Courts to make their adult children provide financially for them. Some may wonder if this is an instance of a secular law being put in place to compel children to fulfil God's commandment to "Honour your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12). I think not.

While in South Korea recently, I came across a story of human tragedy that is also one of resilience and hope—the story of dispersed families torn apart by war.

As a family therapist, I have worked for many years on conflicts among family members. Conflict involving spouses, the young or the elderly often draw society's sympathy and support but disputes between siblings generally do not get enough attention.

Profound loss can lead to a loss of direction and motivation in life. Daily routines lose meaning, former pleasures no longer bring joy, and we may withdraw from people, interests and life. In extreme cases, the sense of emptiness can lead to depression and even thoughts of taking one's own life. How do hurting and grieving souls move on with life?

Metaphors can be a powerful communication tool in counselling. One I recently shared with a couple “stuck” in their marital distress is an image of a couple standing together at the edge of a cliff. They are at this precarious place where one step forward or a slip of their feet may mean plunging over the brink.

"I think I finally get it." My client's statement reflected a radical change although his circumstances had not changed much. His wife of nearly 15 years had left him about three years earlier and had not once made any direct contact since.