You & Your Family

This year, as The Methodist Church of Singapore celebrates its 140 years in Singapore, Methodist Message (MM) collated a selection of my over 200 articles into a book entitled Restoration. Among the congratulatory messages received when the book was published, there was one unusual comment.

Life can be very unpredictable and some may say unfair. This is especially so when things outside our control happen to us. This includes being born with a disability or into a family where the level of care falls short. Or being betrayed by someone we trust. Or being in the wrong place at the wrong time when hit by a crime. When we find ourselves in such circumstances, we feel like a victim.

The sentence, "You must be the change you want to see in your life" is often attributed to the late Mahatma Gandhi, the great social activist and strong advocate of personal empowerment. Regardless of who actually wrote this, it reflects a positive change that I do see in my clients from time to time.

Honouring our parents is the fifth of the Ten Commandments. While some of us may struggle with keeping this commandment completely and constantly, my client had a particularly tough challenge—how to honour one parent without upsetting the other.

An elderly Chinese lady, whom we shall call Sally, contacted the social service agency she frequented for exercise classes to report a concern. Sally said that she had not seen her neighbour—a single, Indian lady a few years younger—for a few days and efforts to call on her went unanswered.

Two couples I saw over two days have features in common. Both couples are struggling with the crisis posed by infidelity. Both couples are in their early forties and have young children. All are professing Christians. And with both couples, I am addressing the area of emotions.

When asked some months ago to conduct a workshop on relationships with in-laws, I was both intrigued and challenged. I was intrigued because I had only recently entered the phase of becoming and acquiring in-laws. I was challenged because although it is an important topic, as reflected in the number of clients who have come for counselling for in-law woes, not much research or material has been written about it.

Alexander Pope, a poet during the period of the Enlightenment, was said to be the originator of the statement, "To err is human, to forgive divine." Though centuries old, it is still apt today. It is much easier to make mistakes than to forgive someone.

My wife and I recently entered a new phase of life. We became grandparents. When sharing this news with family and friends, many responded with, "Congratulations!" Not only did they say it, but some also actually expressed feelings of joy on our behalf.

My German friend pointed out seven brass objects shaped as cobblestones in front of a house. Inscribed on them were the names of the seven members of a Jewish family who once lived there. They were evicted and sent to concentration camps, never to be heard of again.

The client reported that she was being gaslighted! She had been trying to clarify her husband's relationship with another woman. Instead of a straight denial or admission, he turned on her and told her she was "overthinking". He then went on to run her down by accusing her of having "a suspicious mind", being "small minded" and "overly conservative". The torrent of insults and attacks left her feeling hurt and regretting having raised the subject at all. Her initial doubt of her husband's fidelity turned to doubts about herself.

Years ago, when Singaporean families went on holiday, it often took the form of a road trip to Cameron Highlands or to Kuala Lumpur. The road then was an undivided two-way road that snaked up north and was periodically signposted with signs that read "Utara" (or North in English). Regardless of the occasional detours, twists and turns, if you followed the Utara signs and stayed on the road, you would eventually reach Kuala Lumpur.